Women can usually keep their heads and show pretty good judgment when dealing with men as an abstraction. Where trouble usually comes in is when they have somebody on the line who actually seems to be one “who will do.” Threats abound: other women, bad living situations, financial pressures, and worst of all, the dreaded biological clock. The temptation is to resort to chicanery or outright treachery to stand out from the crowd and get the man to propose.

Prudence requires that the first words of guidance on this topic be clear and unequivocal. If you want God’s help at all, you can’t use the devil’s techniques. This means you absolutely cannot engage in shortcuts in order to “help” God find you the proper spouse.  This means you must carefully avoid all of the following techniques which may work in the short run but not in the long.

1) Having sexual contact of any sort with the guy before you’re married. If he’s a man of quality, your chastity will increase your desirability, not decrease it.  The gentleman won’t even try to hustle you. If you think sex will help, read 2 Samuel chapter 13 on how sex changes a man’s feelings. Not only does premarital sex offend God and hurt your chances for enjoying sex in marriage for the rest of your living days, it tends to lock you into a choice which passing time may suggest is wrong. Never invest in a guy to the point that you can’t, up until you’re at the altar, say, “I’ve changed my mind.”

2) Splitting up an existing marriage by luring the husband away. If he’ll do it to her, he’ll do it to you too. See Malachi chapter 2 for God’s view of divorce. Retreads make bad tires, too. A man’s attitude toward his vows is paramount. Vows are to God, and does this man have the potential to fear God? Put another way, does he fear and respect those authority structures through which God already works?  What does he make of his parents, his teachers, the boss, the police, the IRS and the President? If he can’t submit to God’s agents, what makes you think he’s going to submit to you when God speaks to him through you?  You see, a woman finds peace and fulfillment not when she’s in charge, but when she’s taken care of in every way.  As for all people, male and female, the point is not to be in the top position, but in the proper position. Passion for a woman is tied to letting go, not taking over. Thus, if you want a man you can trust in important matters, he’s got to be somebody who is himself under authority. To the extent that he keeps his vows and is accountable to higher ups, you can lose yourself to his advances, be they practical, romantic, sexual or spiritual.

3) Lowering your standards because he’s the only game in town. Our God is a God of excellence and not compromise. Now all men are, to one degree or another, a “work in progress.” When God made you a helpmeet, he was pointing out that men do need help. But women have needs too, and only a real man can meet those needs. Don’t rush into marriage, and you won’t be subject to the curse of Genesis 3. Bill Gothard used to paraphrase the last part of verse 16 with the words, “You’ll try to control your husband, but he won’t let you.” For goodness’ sake, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You may get the creep to dress better, but you’ll never alter his basic DNA. What you see is, for better or worse, basically what you’ll get.

And this brings us to The Great Secret. In addition to avoiding doing dumb things, there is something positive you can do to get the guy to propose. What you do is pray to God, and give Him permission to choose for you.  Don’t go and say, I want this or that one, but rather, give God a list of specifics about what you want, and let Him find the guy who fills those requirements. I’m not advocating an attitude of “Give me anybody.” I’m saying that your prayers should be specific in terms of qualities, but vague in terms of names. When you ask for just old anybody, you dishonor God and imply He doesn’t care or can’t produce. When you get specific and picky, however, you suggest that He’s in fact all-knowing and almighty. All this takes time, as men may take awhile to obey God’s prompting. But if you remember that He’s the one who gave you these needs in the first place, you should be able to trust Him to meet them as well. Most women fail not because they ask too much and become spinsters; most women fail because they ask too little and marry before God tells them to.

So ladies, repeat after me, “No, thank you.” These are the most important words you can ever speak when confronted with the advances of the Homo Sapien male. Whatever you do, do it from faith, because otherwise it’s sin. If men were challenged to get their acts together before women would cooperate with them, they might actually become the useful, domesticated creatures God intended them to be when he made them for Himself, and by way of gift, for you.

Father McLeod celebrates at St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Hope the fourth Sunday of each month.  Service time: 9:00.