Being the emotionally sensitive man that I am, it has only taken me 18 years of work in the ministry to detect an undercurrent of dissatisfaction amongst women regarding the quality of the men they have become allied with. Surprisingly, many of the gents who arouse this ire are themselves, at least in their own estimate, Christians. When I hear the stories of sin, bad judgment and outright stupidity women have had to endure, I have to ask myself, how did these women end up with these losers? Didn’t they at some point have a chance to say “no?” Was there no warning?  Whether early in the game or late, our society does in fact give women the chance to say “no.” Whether in response to the question, “Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?” or “Will you marry me?” we grant women the all-important opportunity to decline. The problem, then, must be that women don’t have a proper understanding of what criteria must be met before that “no” becomes a “yes.” This, then, is a guide intended to fill the void, a comprehensive and Biblically-based guide for how a woman, especially a Christian one, should go about separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to men.

 Men are simple creatures, and so a discussion of them can and should be kept simple as well. Men have two needs, food and sex, and with divine symmetry, they also have two functions in the family. Paul, in his famous passage in Ephesians chapter five, says that men should treat women the way they treat their own bodies, by 1) feeding them and 2) caring for them. At the risk of being branded a quisling to the XY faction, I will now describe what a latent wife-feeder might look like. Part II of the Guide will explore if he is also capable of caring for you. In a penultimate essay I will prescribe a list of do’s and don’ts for locating a man, and then Part IV will conclude with The Great Secret: how to land the catch.

 Today: Can He Feed Me?

 Let’s start with a man’s first obligation: feeding a wife. This complex task is accomplished through an activity many men find abhorrent: finding and keeping a job. Thus, the first question you should ask a male candidate while you are out trolling is this: “What do you do for a living?” If the answer is, “I am in between jobs”…”I’m a freelance (insert lame job here)” or “I design web pages,” smile and say, “What a wonderful career” and head for the door. Assuming they have a job, which actually pays something, your next question should be designed to ferret out just what kind of job it is.

 The problem here is that all jobs are not created equal. Society rewards those who have skills it needs by paying them in proportion to that need. Thus, society doesn’t need unskilled labor much, and so it doesn’t pay those people a lot.  Witness most clergy. It does need those with real talent and dedication, however, and so it tends to pay doctors and basketball stars a lot more.  What’s important here is that the job at least have the potential to pay well, preferably with a salary. A salary means an amount paid, rain or shine, each year, to get the job done.  Hourly wages don’t pay when you’re sick or on vacation, and hourly wage jobs usually don’t have any fringe benefits like health or life insurance or pensions.  These things may seem trivial now, but unless you have them, your marriage is likely to be a financial rodeo. And what makes a man attractive, actually, if not this ability to bring home the bacon?  Look at Anna Nicole Smith. She obviously doesn’t care what a man looks like, or how well he dances. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”  Sure she’s a mercenary, but she’s also proof women can overlook a lot if there’s a promise of financial security  We live in a world of scarcity, and society actively punishes those who have not taken steps early on in life to gain marketable skills.

 And this brings us to the corollary matter of education. You see, the guy can only advance in his chosen field of endeavor to the extent that he knows what he’s doing. This means education beyond junior high, girls. There was a time when a high school diploma meant the key to success; but those days are deader than disco. Today, you’ve absolutely got to have something more in your holster than reading, writing and ‘rithmetic. There are exceptions to this rule of being educated, however. Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard to write DOS, but last I heard, this is not the norm. Date the good-looking guy who cleans your swimming pool and you may have fun for a season, but in the end, he’ll never earn a decent salary. If you want a man who can bring home the dollars, then by all means go after the class nerd who’s already written a program to combat spam and who’s three months away from being a millionaire.  Drop the idea that you care about what a guy looks like, or what kind of moves he has.  All that is crap.  What counts first and foremost is simply this: can he make enough money so that you don’t have to work and life’s not one on-going financial battle? Somebody’s got to be refreshed come evening time, when the real work of living starts.

 Next Issue: Can He Care For Me?